Immortal Drift
D. Paul Angel
646 Words

“Well the centrifuge part is certainly new. I’ll give you that. I’m pulling what, seven gee’s?”

“Six point nine one.”

“Close enough, eh? Besides, seven gees… seventy gees… seven-hundred gee’s… It doesn’t matter because, again, I’m fucking immortal!”

“Yes. We know.”

“Then you know my body will adapt to this sooner rather than later, right?”

“We project nineteen hours.”

“Bet I do it in nine then.”

“We have accounted for your motivation.”

“My motivation. My motivation? You don’t know shit about my motivation! How can you? I mean seriously? I’ve been the only fucking immortal for five hundred years. Not exactly a large sample size is it?”

“We are aware of the odds.”

“Of course you’re aware. That why there are shackles too? In the dark? Strapped to a ball. A fucking ball? In a centrifuge!”

“It is not a ball.”

“What, another nuke then, eh?”

“Yes.”

“Jesus pole-dancing Christ, really? Again?”

“Yes.”

“You know I’ll survive, right?”

“Yes.”

“I mean it is the very definition of immortality isn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“But motherfucker does it sting.”

“…”

“What, nothing? Not even a chuckle? That’s a joke, eh? ‘Nuclear bomb stings!’ Nothing?”

“There is no humor in this for us.”

“Ironic since you’re the blower and not the blowee, huh?”

“We have tried everything else to stop your violence.”

“Not my fault you chose not to be immortal, now then is it.”

“Immortality is not a choice.”

“Blah, blah, blah, Jesus but you’re a humorless lot.”

“Nor is it a super-power.”

“Oh please, not that shit again… Fine. So, what’s the plan this time, eh? ‘Cause when the nuclear bomb ionizes the centrifuge, I will still be alive and still in one piece. Remember your Marianas Trench debacle? Sure it took me twenty years to climb my soggy ass out of there, but do you remember how pissed I was?”

“Yes.”

“Do you really?”

“Yes.”

“Good! Because that is nothing compared to how pissed I’m going to be after this!”

“We accounted for that.”

“You accounted for losing half your Army knocking me out this time too? ‘Cause it’ll make the ass kicking I give you all the easier than, huh? You ‘account’ for that? ‘Cause you’re going to be first ‘Nameless Voice!’ Hear that? I’m coming for you first!”

“We hear you.”

“We? No. Not ‘We.’ You. I will be coming for you no matter how long it takes? Oh, and don’t worry, you’ll recognize me. I’ll be the pissed off immortal!”

“We will all be dead by then.”

“Killing yourself when the bomb goes off then, are you?”

“Not quite.”

“‘Not quite?’ That’s it? So now I’m playing what, ‘I Spy,’ with you? I spy with my little eye- nothing. Because the centrifuge is fucking dark.”

“You are not in a centrifuge.”

“Well what bloody else am I- You put me in a fucking rocket?”

“Yes.”

“A nuke into the Sun seems a bit overkill, don’t you think? Plus, hot tip, not even the Sun can kill me.”

“We know.”

“Then you’re what, at the taunting me stage?”

“You are headed away from the Sun.”

“Away. Seriously? I’m not fucking Superman remember? Your whole super-power concern-trolling? Yeah. That. ‘Cause I don’t actually need a ‘Yellow Sun’ to retain immortality.”

“We know.”

“Of course you, ‘know.’ So, Moon then is it? Mars, perhaps? Uranus’ Moons? Ha! Get it? Still no humor? Fine. Look mate, time is on my side, I will get back. There is nowhere, not the smallest asteroid in our Solar System that can hold me.”

“Your destination is not inside our Solar System.”

“What do you…”

“Your trajectory is away from our Solar System.

“But…”

“The nuclear blast will continue that trajectory and eventually accelerate you out of our Galaxy.”

“The Hell!?”

“Our calculations predict a minimum of fifteen billion years before you encounter another object.”

“You can’t do this!”

“Enjoy your immortality.”