The Call of Parcel Post
D. Paul Angel
23 May 2014
“Anything hazardous, liquid, perishable, or fragile?”
“Just a die. An aptly named, Cthuhlu Dice. Through arcane rituals darker than a moonless night I have secreted deep within it a sliver of the tormented soul from the First Priest of the Elder Gods. With the right roll it will awaken the Old Ones from their dreams in ancient R’lyeh, returning them to the human world.”
“So it’s fragile then?”
“It is cast from a singe piece of nickel, it is next to unbreakable. The Old Ones shall rise again! Enslaving the weak and cleansing the Earth to rebuild it in their horrible visage.”
“So. It’s not fragile then?”
“Not as such, no, but-”
“Is it liquid?”
“It’s a die! A Dice! Of course it’s not liquid! It is touched with an ancient evil so powerful that it will open the floodgates of insanity in a world unready to feel the Old One’s indifferent wrath!”
“Uh-huh. Is it perishable?”
“The only things that will perish are the minds of the weak and the souls of the strong!”
“And nothing hazardous?”
“Hazardous? Hazardous!? Of course it’s hazardous! It shall beckon forth an antediluvian evil that existed before God himself to enslave humanity, melt our minds in a crucible of horrors, and then recast the dregs in their own hideous image!”
“Is that what the MSDS says?”
“The N-D-S? The wh-?”
“MSDS. Material Safety Data Sheet. Does it have one or not?”
“Well, no, of course not. Words do not exist to describe the horror within.”
“Then it’s not considered hazardous. Do you want Overnight, priority, or parcel post?”
“A line’s forming. Overnight, Priority, or Parcel Post?”
“Overnight, of course!”
“Fine, that’ll be $34.73. Fill out this form and stand over there. Next!”
“WAIT! How much is, uh, the Parcel Post?”
6 thoughts on “The Call of Parcel Post”
I really enjoyed this piece! A fantastic little story made only through dialogue. Very well made.
Thank you much! I do enjoy how the most unflappable thing in the world truly is our Bureaucracies.
Funny man in a bit of communication struggle. There really ought to be a special hazard sticker for dark devices; a tentacled beast drawing, but an MSDS would be useless.
That would be fantastic. We already have Radioactive and Biohazard, now we just need to add Ancient Evil 🙂
LOL Funny. And fun to read.
What? No attempt to sell him insurance?
Fun story. It’s funny how people plod mindlessly though their routines. Yesterday I received a call from the Red Cross, asking if I could come in for a blood drive they were having that day. After I agreed to an evening appointment, the caller went through the standard spiel about being prepared. “… and try to get a good night’s sleep the day before you donate”
When I finished laughing I assured him I would!